The Trial of Yelps

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This is the story of the trial of one of the most controversial characters ever to appear within RuneScape. This story is done for entertainment and for satirical purposes.

Please note that as of this writing, the events of this story have not happened ... yet. Should that change, this portion of the disclaimer will be revised accordingly.

EDIT: As of this edit, Yelps and the SOF are soon going to be replaced by Treasure Hunter. What does this mean for Yelps? It may mean that new revisions to this story may occur in the near future, to reflect recent developments. Stay tuned!

CURRENT STATUS: Now complete!


Chapter 1: Announcement (page 1)
Chapter 2: The trial begins (page 1)
Chapter 3: The first testimony (page 1)
Chapter 4: The second testimony (page 2)
Chapter 5: More Testimonies (page 2)
Chapter 6: The Verdict (page 2)
Chapter 7: Preparations (Page 3)
Chapter 8: The Scene
Chapter 9: The Method
Chapter 10: The Last Two Phases (Page 4)
Epilogue: Aftermath

28-Jul-2012 02:10:18 - Last edited on 20-Jan-2014 23:00:49 by Darelzel



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Chapter One: Announcement

It was another typical day in Gielinor. I had just had a particularly busy one, as I had started the day by chasing penguins. And then I had participated in a skilling event with my clan. After all this, I went to my house portal in Rimmington to ponder what I wanted to do next.

Perhaps another quest would be good, I thought. However, the previous quest I had finished a few days ago was quite an intense one. In the end, good triumphed over evil, but only barely. I wanted to take some time off from questing before I went off on another adventure.

"Let's see. I've done penguins and the circus for this week, I've mined a Crashed Star and cut down an Evil Tree ... what's left?"

It then occured to me that there was one so-called 'Distraction and Diversion' that I had not done today but I hadn't thought of. And that was the so-called 'Squeal of Fortune'. Even as I thought of it, the name made me wince.

The Squeal of Fortune was a game hosted by a small creature called Yelps. Yelps was this small green creature with big ears who vaguely resembled a goblin, but he was unlike any goblin I'd ever seen. He'd dress like some carnival huckster and invite people to spin this huge wheel. Yelps would pull a lever. When someone pressed the 'stop' button, a glove would punch him and he'd be sent flying.

It appeared to be harmless, cartoonish slapstick that Yelps did not mind. When someone stopped, the spinner would land on a prize. The prize could be anything from one set of yew logs to 'lucky' Armadyl armour. But people rarely actually managed to win the big prize. Some thought the wheel was rigged.

However, Yelps was extremely aggressive in the way he promoted his game of chance. Instead of settling in one location, or moving from one location to another every week like the circus, Yelps would instead appear near everyone on this bubble that floated next to them, enticing them to spin with all sorts of indecipherable .. yelps, I suppose.

28-Jul-2012 02:10:40 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 18:59:59 by Darelzel



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If one accepted his offer, he'd briefly send them to his 'Squeal' location so they could use up their alloted spins before returning to where they were. Then he would go away for the rest of the day. If, however, one told him to go away, he would -- but he'd be back if one let their attention wander to other things for too long.

However, now that I thought about it, I hadn't seen Yelps or his aggressive marketing all day. To be honest, I couldn't say that I had missed him. When one comes on too strong with the way they market ANYTHING, be it the product they're selling or the game of chance they're promoting, then people are likely to be annoyed.

"I suppose I'll find out what happened some time later." I thought to myself. And with that, I was prepared to turn my attention to other things, when suddenly I heard a voice behind me.

"The trial's beginning! The trial's beginning!"

I turned to to see Ozan, the boastful ranger of the Signature Heroes Club. Ozan was someone I had only met fairly recently, but clearly he'd been following my adventures for some time. In addition to having adventures of his own with Sir Owen and Ariane, he loved to tell stories at nearly all of Gielinor's pubs in exchange for coins. On a number of occassions, he thanked me for giving him some good stories to tell that he didn't even have to exaggerate.

Still, I usually saw him at the Guilds or at the pubs, or where mercenary adventurers gathered. What was he doing here?

"Trial?" I asked. "What trial is it?"

"They arrested Yelps!" Ozan said. "The council decided a few days ago to investigate his game, and they've shut it down! Now Yelps is going to stand trial for cheating adventurers out of their money!"

"Slow down!" I told him. "When and where is this trial going to take place? The Seer's Village Courthouse?"

28-Jul-2012 02:11:00 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 19:03:14 by Darelzel



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"No, the Seer's Village Courthouse is too small." Ozan said. "A LOT of people wanted to see this trial. They've been petitioning the council to do something about Yelps for months, and no one wanted to be left out. So they're holding it at the Tutorial Clan Citadel."

"The Tutorial Clan Citadel?" I asked.

"It's the clan for the various tutors of the land. You came to Gielinor by way of Tutorial Island, right?" Ozan asked.

"Yes. I kind of miss the place. It was nice and peaceful, and I wish I could see those people again. I've seen Vannaka again, but I'd like to know how the others are doing." I replied.

"Well, all of those people are members of the Tutorial Clan. Brynna the survival expert, Lev the Master Chef, Dezzick the miner, Brother Brace the Cleric, and its leader Terrova the wizard. The Lumbridge training instructors are also members. Oh, and the new tutors who came to Burthorpe and Taverley ... Ayleth Beaststalker, Jacquelyn Manslaughter, Ruth Savage ... they're all members too."

"Wow. I never knew." I said. "But why are they hosting Yelps' trial in their citadel?"

"They figured that if the Grim Reaper and his friends from the Horsemen could open their Clan Citadel for visitors during Deathcon, they might as well open theirs as well and host an event. Phileas the Lumbridge Guide suggested this to the council, and the Duke of Lumbridge and most of the others agreed."

"So, how do we get there? Do we use the Clan Camp portal?" I asked.

"No, the rest of the Signature Heroes and myself just hand out these teleport tablets. We give them to all the adventurers we know."

With that, Ozan handed me a teleport tablet. I broke the tablet, and found myself teleporting away.

28-Jul-2012 02:11:18 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 19:09:45 by Darelzel



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Chapter Two: The Trial Begins

I found myself at the entrance to a Clan Citadel, in the midst of a huge crowd. Even at Deathcon II on its opening day, I had never seen a crowd this huge at a Clan Citadel before. Surrounding me were other adventurers, workers, citizens, dwarves, goblins, fairies, gnomes, and even elves.

There was so much chatter I couldn't get a word in edgewise. It was like being at the Grand Exchange during one of its busier times. I wanted to say hello to friends and fellow clan members that I recognized in the crowd, but I don't think most of them heard me amidst all the talking and crowd noise. A few did say "Hi!" but that was about it.

So all of us were gathered in the space between the Citadel portal and the entrance to the Citadel proper. "It won't be long now before they open the citadel proper." Ozan explained.

Ariane the sorceress was nearby. "Almost everyone's here. Once everyone who's been invited has arrived, the trial will be officially underway."

It was then that Terrova the wizard appeared at the entrance. "The trial is about to start. Everyone may proceed in an orderly fashion."

At this point, the citadel guards parted, and began to lead the crowd into the citadel. I followed, as did Ozan, Ariane, and a number of my friends and clan mates. We soon found ourselves at the outside meeting area. The fountain was gone, replaced by a jury box with a few smaller fountains nearby. Between the jury box and the podium were a number of benches and chairs, and a witness stand.

Several benches and chairs had been placed around the area, providing much seating. Behind the jury box were some raised arena-stype benches.

28-Jul-2012 02:11:37 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 19:13:07 by Darelzel



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As I gazed among the gathered, I saw what appeared to be a who's who of Gielinor. I saw Thok, the Master of Daemonheim. I saw the goblin generals Bentnoze and Wartface, Sir Amik Varze, Pirate Pete, Duke Horacio of Lumbridge, the Wise Old Man, Linza the smith, that mysterious huge armored warrior known only as The Raptor, the wizards Sedridor and Distentor, Chieftain Brundt of the Fremmenik, Chief Tess of Oo'Glog, Osman the Al Kharid spymaster, and the witches Aggie, Maggie, Hetty, and Betty. I even saw King Roald of Misthalin with Queen Ellamaria, and the gnome king Narnode Shareen.

Not to mention a number of goblins, gnomes, fairies, trolls, and elves.

There was still quite a commotion before the judge from the Seer's Courthouse appeared at the podium. He banged his gavel to indicate silence from the crowd.

"Court is now in session for the trial of Yelps. Are the defense and prosecution ready?"

The defense is ready." said a strange man who had an unsettling resemblance to someone I'd seen in the Thieves' Guild.

"The prosecution is ready." said the prosecutor I had seen at the Seer's Village Courthouse.

The prosecutor began. "The defendant, known only as Yelps..."

"Objection!" shouted someone in the crowd. "He's got other names. Like..."

The judge banged his gavel just as the person was about to say something nasty. "Order in the court! The spectators will refrain from interrupting the attorneys, or they will be held in contempt."

The prosecutor continued. "I stand corrected. The defendant, known by many names most of them unflattering to him, but officially known only as Yelps, has been running his game of chance for several months now Gielinor time."

28-Jul-2012 02:11:59 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 19:14:24 by Darelzel



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"The game, which he refers to as the 'Squeal of Fortune' for some reason known only to himself, is one where players are given a limited amount of spins each day which they can use in the hopes of winning something valuable. Through his aggressive tactics, he has persuaded several people to part with their hard-earned money in exchange for extra chances to spin his wheel each day."

The prosecutor went on. "The defendant is accused of running an illegal gambling operation, of extortion, and of thievery."

At this, the guards led Yelps to a chair near the defense attorney's bench. Yelps was in chains, and dressed in prison greys. He looked even thinner than normal, and completely miserable.

The Judge spoke. "We have heard the charges. Defense, how do you plead?"

"Extra spins for the win!" Yelps shouted. The judge then banged his gavel to silence Yelps.

"The defense pleads Not Guilty, Your Honor." the Thief at the defense bench said.

The prosecutor shook his head. "You will most certainly regret that. It is now time for the prosecution to call its first witness ... or in this case witnesses."

"The prosecution calls the goblin generals Wartface and Bentnoze to the stand."

Chapter 3: The Goblin Generals' Testimony

The goblin generals Bentnoze and Wartface appeared on the stand.

"Bentnoze will go first!" Bentnoze shouted.

"No, Wartface go first!" Wartface countered.

The judge banged his gavel. "Order! Each of you will describe your previous experiences with the defendant. It is determined that General Bentnoze will go first."

Bentnoze spoke. "Yelps little runt goblin, even shorter than Grubfoot. Bentnoze not know where he come from. One day he come to Goblin Village. He say we win armor or big money if we spin wheel."

28-Jul-2012 02:12:19 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 19:20:04 by Darelzel



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Wartface spoke up. "He giving away armor from Big High War God! Armor only given to those who fight for glory of Big High War God!"

"Yelps too scrawny to fight!" Bentnoze added. "Armor must have been stolen!"

"Objection!" shouted the shady defense attorney. "The witness is accusing my client of stealing based on conjecture!"

"Really?" Bentnoze asked. "If you so smart, you tell me where Yelps got armor!"

"Simple." the defense attorney said. "Bandos armor, though it may come from certain areas where the armies of the 'Big High War God' gather, can be sold on the Grand Exchange. Is this correct?"

The Judge nodded, as did the prosecutor, and most of the crowd.

"My client gives away things worth hundreds of thousands of coins. Surely he has a large amount of money that he can afford to give some away in his game." the defense attorney replied. "He could have easily bought the armor on the Grand Exchange."

The prosecutor countered. "Of course, he could have obtained that wealth through selling stolen property. Perhaps all the prizes on the wheel are stolen goods."

The defense attorney glared at the prosecutor. "You can't prove that!"

The prosecutor countered. "You can't prove that he purchased it all legitimately, either."

The Judge intervened. "This is getting us nowhere. Witnesses, can you tell us any more about your experiences with the defendant?"

"Yelps entice many goblins from village into spinning wheel." Bentnoze said.

"But none win Big High War God armour. He trick them." Wartface added.

"He ... tricked them?" the prosecutor asked.

28-Jul-2012 02:12:38 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 19:24:30 by Darelzel



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"Yeah. When wheel look ready to stop on armour, it move again to stupid logs or 500 coins." Bentnoze said.

"It was 50 coins!" Wartface shouted.

"500!" Bentnoze said.

"50!" Wartface replied.

The prosecutor interrupted. "Wait. Just when did all of this occur?"

Both goblin generals paused for a moment. "Many many Gielinor months ago." Wartface said.

"Back before trolls and armoured humans make all that noise south of village." Bentnoze added.

"I see." said the prosecutor. "It is well documented that when the 'Squeal of Fortune' began, one of the most often-won prizes was a mere 50 coins. Enough people complained about this that the '50 coin' prize was removed from the wheel and replaced with something more valuable."

"If Yelps was in your village during that time, before the mercenary adventurers set up camp north of Falador, then this is before he became known to the majority of adventurers." the prosecutor continued. "So therefore, it is possible that the '50 coins' were on the wheel at the time. It's also possible, logically, that 500 coins were on the wheel as well, meaning that both of the goblin generals are correct."

As someone who'd been involved in several of the goblin generals' arguments myself, I found myself impressed by the prosecutor's logic. "It makes sense." I said softly to Ariane and Ozan, who sat next to me.

The goblin generals paused for a while. "Human right." Wartface said.

"Yeah." Bentnoze added. "Anyway, goblins get tired of Yelps cheating at rigged game. We kick him out of village."

"The prosecution has no further questions, your Honor." the prosecutor said.

"The defense has no further questions." the defense attorney said.

"Witnesses, you are excused." the judge said. And with that, the goblin generals left the witness stand.

28-Jul-2012 02:12:53 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 19:30:11 by Darelzel



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I sat in the audience, wondering who they would call to the stand next.

I was very surprised when the prosecutor called my name.

(continued next note)

Author's note: The next part of the trial is on the next page.

As of this edit, it's still a short walk or run from Rimmington to the Clan Camp. But I had the main character use a teleport tablet to get to the Tutorial Clan Citadel anyway. I'd like everyone to know that I don't usually teleport from, say, Rimmington to Port Sarim unless I'm really in a hurry.

As far as I can tell, teleport tablets for teleporting directly to a Clan Citadel haven't been introduced into the game yet. But I suppose it doesn't matter, since the Tutorial Clan Citadel is an NPCs' Clan Citadel similiar to the Clan Citadel for the Horsemen that was introduced in the 2011 Halloween event. My logic behind introducing it was that if NPCs could form clans too (as the event indicated), then maybe all those various tutors may have formed their own clan too.

But now, back to the story, and back to the trial.

(story continues next page)

28-Jul-2012 02:13:09 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 19:47:43 by Darelzel



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Chapter 4: My testimony

I was abruptly teleported from the audience and on to the witness stand. I had seen this happen to other witnesses during the Court Cases, but I had never been on the receiving end until now.

"The witness will now testify about her experiences with the defendant." the prosecutor stated.

"Hmm..." I said. "Where do I begin?"

"At the beginning, I'd suggest." the prosecutor replied.

"I suppose that would be good." I replied. "I can't remember right now when Yelps and his ... ahem, 'Squeal' first showed up. I guess I can look it up later. But it's a relatively recent thing, only showing up a few Gielinor months ago. After the Wizards' Tower Christmas party that I was invited to."

"And what were your feelings about it at the time?" the prosecutor asked.

"It was ... jarring." I replied. "I've been in the land of Gielinor for what seems like years now, but I've never seen anything like Yelps or his wheel before. Also, the way his image just appears, hovering before us and begging us to spin was very distracting. We never had such things before. Why did we have to have them now?"

"Can you describe what it is that made it so ... jarring?" the prosecutor replied.

"It's just ... Yelps looks like a cartoon. He looks like he came from some other game..."

The judge banged his gavel. "The witness will refrain from breaking the fourth wall!"

"Sorry." I said. "Anyway, he looks like he comes from some other world whose appearance and logic is different from Gielinor's. I don't think he's even from Gielinor, or any of the worlds associated with it. And that image of his hovering over us is just so annoying. We can dismiss him without playing his game, but he'll be back as soon as we log... as soon as we get distracted with other things and try to focus on our activities again."

28-Jul-2012 02:13:23 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 19:35:29 by Darelzel



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" He doesn't seem to belong in this world at all, but he gets in everyone's faces until they spin that wheel."

"Now, let's move on to the game itself. What are your feelings toward it?" the prosecutor asked.

"At first, I didn't know what to make of it." I said. "All of a sudden, after years of having to work for all these pieces of armour, here he was offering a chance to win them for a spin or two on his wheel. Along with 5000 gold pieces, skill experience lamps, and other items. Of course he also put in plenty of lower-valued items, such as yew logs and lower denominations of coins."

"The prosecution is right when he says that there was a 50 coin prize on the wheel at first. Often there were two 50 coin prizes at once, with something a LOT more valuable sandwiched in between. And most of the time, people would land on that 50-coin prize. I should know, as it happened to me a LOT. It was really annoying, and we can at least be thankful Yelps was pressured into taking THAT off of his wheel."

"So would you say the game was rigged?" the prosecutor asked.

"To be honest, I don't know." I replied. "But I suspected it was. Some of the wheel's movements seemed very suspicious, if you ask me."

"Anyway, because of all this, I decided only to spin when I felt like it." I continued. "The game, I decided at the time, was annoying but mostly harmless. I decided 'Let that silly little creature tease us with lucky armour that we can't really win. As long as very few people actually win those things, it's not unbalancing the ga... excuse me, it's not unbalancing the world'. But some time later, my feelings changed."

28-Jul-2012 02:13:37 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 19:38:45 by Darelzel



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"And what made your feelings change?" the prosecutor asked.

"I think almost everyone here can guess what it is, but I'll say it." I said. "It was when Yelps started selling extra spins. Before, all his spins were free, and if you didn't win anything big, there was no problem. But now that people were paying real money for spins, the game became full-fledged gambling! Yes, I said it: GAMBLING! Yelps is taking people's money in an attempt to get rich off of people's desires for instant gratification!"

I glared angrily at Yelps for a moment, before addressing everyone. "For years now I've done my duty for this land! I've taken time out from questing or skilling or other activities to alert the authorites about people trying to scam or exploit adventurers. And Yelps is no better than those people! When he started selling spins, he crossed a line."

I stopped there to take a breath. I didn't expect that I'd get myself this worked up.

The defense attorney then spoke up. "Witness, stop being a hypocrite."

"What?!?" I exclaimed.

"You say you turned against the Squeal of Fortune when my client offered people the opportunity to buy spins. However, you DID spin a few more times afterward." the defense attorney said.

"Yes, but I didn't buy ANY of them." I replied. "I don't believe one should spend any of their hard-earned money on this sort of game of chance."

"But, you DID spin a few times after the buyable spins were introduced." the defense attorney said. "That means you support the Squeal of Fortune. All of it. Including the buyable spins."

(continued next post)

28-Jul-2012 02:13:48 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 19:39:27 by Darelzel



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"That's the biggest load of camel dung I ever heard!" I exclaimed. "You're saying that even though I never bought any spins, I STILL support buyable spins just because I used free spins a few times? What kind of slimy shyster lawyer ARE you? You ..."

"Objection!" the defense attorney shouted. "I motion that the witness refrain from personal attacks on the defense, or else she will be held in contempt of court!"

"Objection sustained." the judge said. "Witness, you may attack the attorneys' arguments all you like, but refrain from getting personal."

"Here, have a glass of water." said one of my clan mates. "It'll help calm you down."
One of the citadel guards took the clan mate's glass of water, and gave it to me. I drank it down quickly, and I had to admit I did feel a bit better.

"My apologies to the court for that outburst." I said. "But regarding the spins, my point remains. I do not endorse buyable spins, I will NEVER endorse buyable spins, and I do not see how my using any of the free spins changes that. For the record, I did hear other people claiming that the best way of protesting against the Squeal of Fortune is to not play it all. So I quit using spins and haven't played in a LONG time."

"Not that Yelps hasn't TRIED to win me back. He's pulled out all sorts of crazy promotions to lure quitters back. And of course, the only way to get him to leave you alone for the rest of the day is to play his game. He does everything short of aim a handcannon at our heads and tell us to spin."

"Does the witness have anything more to add?" the prosecutor asked.

"No, I think I've made my point." I said.

"I have nothing to ask the witness." the defense said.

"The witness is excused." the judge said.

I soon found myself back in my place in the audience. I sighed with relief, and took another sip of water. A few of the adventurers seated next to me briefly applauded me.

My active part in the trial seemingly done, I sat back to see what would happen next.

28-Jul-2012 02:14:10 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 19:55:00 by Darelzel



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Chapter 5: Other witnesses

The next witness was no one I knew. It was a ragged man I'd never seen before. He looked completely miserable.

"My name is ... not really important anymore." the man said. "You couldn't spell it right, anyway."

"Tell us about your experience with the defendant and his game of chance." the prosecutor said.

"Once, I was one of the greatest adventurers in Gielinor." the ragged man said. "I could go anywhere, acquire everything. But I still wasn't satisfied. There were still pieces of armour I couldn't get. Where was my Armadyl armour? I tried the Grand Exchange, but no one was selling it at a price I wanted to pay."

"But then Yelps came along, and I thought at first he was just what I needed. I span and span, but never got anything other than a few more coins, a few ores, maybe a gem or two. When he started selling spins, I gladly paid for them. I span and span ... still nothing. I bought more spins ... still never hit the big stuff. So I bought some more..."

"Finally, I won it. A lucky Armadyl godsword. But by then, I had no more money. I had spent all of it on spins. I lost my home, my possessions, everything. I live under a bridge now, and eat out of dumpsters." the ragged man said. "Thanks to that ... creature ... I lost everything that really mattered."

The defense attorney spoke up. "Witness, you blame my client for your misfortune, do you?"

"Of course I do!" the ragged man said. "If it hadn't been for him, I'd still have a roof over my head! I'd have fresh meals, clean clothing... everything!"

"But it was still your choice to buy the spins, was it not?" the defense attorney said.

"It was..." the ragged man said. "But I didn't think it'd be a problem at first. He lured me in, and I took the bait. Before I knew it, I had a gambling problem. I spent and spent hoping to win, but in the end it wasn't worth it."

28-Jul-2012 02:14:24 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 19:58:01 by Darelzel



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"Still, it was your choice to buy spins. You could have earned them other ways, with quests and skills." the defense attorney replied.

"I know. But he kept waving that promotion in my face, and I weakened." the ragged man said. He glared angrily at Yelps.

Suddenly, the ragged man lost control. "Miserable little monster! You don't care how many lives you ruin as long as you get rich! I'll kill you! Die! Die! Die!" He leaped from the witness stand, only to be restrained by the guards and led away.

There was a momentary silence, and I wondered just what was going to happen next. The silence was broken by the prosecutor's next statement.

"The prosecution calls forth Kaqemeex of the Taverley Druids."

At once, Kaqemeex appeared on the witness stand.

"The witness will testify as to the effect the presence of Yelps has on Gielinor." the prosecutor stated.

Kaqemeex began, slowly and calmly. "As most of you are aware of, the druids of Taverley are devoted servants of Guthix. For the past several months, we have discussed this ... Yelps ... and the game of chance he offers. We fear greatly that he is a signifigant threat to the balance of Gielinor. By offering large experience lamps and high-level armour and weapons on his wheel, he threatens to devalue all the other means of obtaining such things. Worse, he offers further spins on his wheel in exchange for the currency of another world, something that was considered inexcusable before he made his appearance."

"Guthix feared that if the world became too unbalanced, it would result in the world's destruction. I submit to the court that unless Yelps is found guilty of his crimes, then we may soon face the end of the world as we know it."

"Objection!" the defense attorney said. "The witness is basing his opinion on his own religious beliefs! He cannot prove any of his claims."

28-Jul-2012 02:14:40 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 20:01:12 by Darelzel



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"Still, one cannot deny that the world has changed since Yelps made his appearance." Kaqemeex continued. "He has sown great chaos, and introduced a number of items into the world that threaten to unbalance the economy."

"Objection!" the defense attorney shouted. "The chances of winning any of those weapons or armour are so small they can't threaten the economy!"

"Is this an admission that the game is rigged?" the prosecutor asked.

"No!" the defense attorney shouted hastily. "You can't prove it's rigged. Furthermore, the armour and weapons are all 'lucky' items that can't be bought or sold."

"But, they DO provide the same benefits as their tradable counterparts, do they not?" the prosecutor asked.

"So what if they do? People would otherwise be risking their lives in the God Wars Dungeon or spending hundreds of thousands of gold coins on them! My client provides an alternative!"

"In exchange for giving people with bigger incomes in otherworld currencies an unfair advantage!" retorted the prosecutor.

There was much shouting, some of it from audience members who lost control and shouted "DOWN WITH YELPS!", before the judge banged his gavel.

"Order! Order in the court!" the judge said. "Now, do either of you have any further questions of the witness?"

"The prosecution has no further questions."

"The defense has no further questions."

I sat there wondering how long the trial would go on. To me, the case against Yelps was obvious. But in the interests of fairness, the judge was going to give the defense a chance to make a good counter-case. As far as I was concerned, the defense had already failed miserably.

(Chapter 6 begins next post)

28-Jul-2012 02:14:56 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 20:02:08 by Darelzel



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Chapter 6: The Verdict, and the Confession

I will skip the testimonies of the two adventurers that followed. They were similiar to mine, and the defense had no new arguments.

Finally, both sides rested their cases, and the judge handed the case over to the jury. The jury was composed of an eclectic group. There were Fremmeniks, goblins, Al Kharid residents, a mother of three children, a Taverley druid, and even an ogre.

The judge spoke. "We have heard many testimonies today, from many people who have been affected one way or another. And the case is quite clear. The defendant has been charged with the following crimes:"

"Operating a rigged game of chance."

"Extorting people to play said rigged game of chance, promising that he will not bother them for the rest of the day if they play, but making a nuisance of himself if they do not play."

"Manipulating people into parting with their hard-earned money for more chances to win at his game of chance."

"Encouraging underage gambling, and trading with currency of worlds other than Gielinor."

The judge paused. "Jury, have you reached a verdict?"

The jury spokesman, Lev the Master Chef, spoke up. "We have, Your Honor. We find the defendant, Yelps... Guilty on all counts."

At once, many of the assembled people in the crowd erupted into cheering, which the Judge cut short with his gavel. "Order! Order!"

The judge turned to Yelps. "Has the accused anything to say before I pass sentence?"

Yelps looked completely pitiful for a moment. "Please, have mercy on me! I was only trying to help everyone! Extra spins for the win! All I wanted was to make people's lives a little easier..."

There were boos from the crowd.

"Easier?" the judge said. "The jury has decided otherwise, based on the testimonies we have heard today. All you have done is cause grief or frustration..."

(continued next post)

28-Jul-2012 02:15:09 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 20:02:42 by Darelzel



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Yelps looked at the judge pleadingly for a moment. The Judge remained still and emotionless. Yelps then looked at the crowd, who proceeded to boo him.

Finally, his expression changed, to something I had NEVER seen from Yelps before. The carnival huckster runt goblin now was glaring angrily at everyone.

"You fools! You idiots! Spitting on a free lunch like this! You'll pay! All of you will pay!"

"Free?!?" shouted people from the crowd. "What a load of..."

"Hah!" Yelps said, with a snarl. "You don't understand! None of you understand! None of you have the Insight to embark on a profitable Venture like me and my Partners embark upon! You're all so wrapped up in your skilling and your questing and your PVP and PVM and whatever that you don't know what your world is REALLY good for!"

Yelps then gave a very unsettling smile. "What's your world good for? Money, of course! It's all part of our master plan! My masters have sent me as part of their plan to change this useless, failed cliche fantasy world into something that will make them rich! Soon, all that's left of this world will be MONEY! Glorious, beautiful MONEY, MONEY, MONEY! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Yelps continued laughing like a madman for some time as the crowd observed. Granted, many of us had suspected his real motives for some time, but to see him admit it in this fashion was unsettling.

The judge banged his gavel. "Order! Order in the court!"

Yelps was restrained by the guards, as the judge prepared his next speech.

"The defendant, Yelps, has been found guilty on all charges. It is clear now that his influence has done great harm to the land of Gielinor. However, if we take a stand now, it is possible that the wounds will heal in time, and no further damage will occur."

(continued next post)

28-Jul-2012 02:15:24 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 20:03:08 by Darelzel



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The judge continued. "Though I believe in tempering justice with mercy, in this case, I have no alternative but to hand down the sentence sought by the council." And with that, the judge produced a black cap.

I knew right away what the sentence was going to be, based on what I had heard about the black cap custom. But I awaited the Judge's words anyway.

"This court sentences Yelps to death. The method of execution will be chosen by the council shortly, and the execution will take place two days from now at a location of the council's choosing. This court is adjourned."

As the judge banged his gavel, cheers erupted from the crowd. "DOWN WITH YELPS! DOWN WITH YELPS!" some shouted. "HANG YELPS! HANG YELPS!" "DEATH TO YELPS! DEATH TO YELPS!"

Yelps was led away by the guards, shrieking and, well, yelping. I, meanwhile, was trying to find someone to talk to amidst all the confusion.

Ozan shook his head saying "I knew it would happen. Wonder if he'll pay me back the money he owes me before he goes."

I decided not to ask. In any case, the crowd was dispersing. Some were leaving the Tutorial Clan's Citadel, while others had decided to stay around for a little while and chat.

Yelps had been sentenced. In two days, we would discover his final fate.

(Chapter 7 to begin next post)

28-Jul-2012 02:15:38 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2013 20:03:36 by Darelzel



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Intermission: This story will now take an intermission. In the meantime, I'll explain a few things (but I WON'T explain the jokes. I'd like to give people a chance to get the jokes before talking about them).

The opinions of the first-person narrator are strictly my own opinions and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any other RuneScape player. However, I sense that many other people feel the same way as I do so it should be easy for them to imagine themselves in the same position as the narrator.

I was stuck on a place to set the trial. I wanted a HUGE gathering with lots and lots of people present, but the Seer's Village Courthouse wouldn't suit it. Thanks to the 2011 Halloween Event, I had an inspiration.

And yes, I am sentimental for Tutorial Island, and am always trying to come up with new ways to work it and those tutor characters into the game.

I can see why so many quest designers and event designers work in the Goblin Generals Bentnoze and Wartface. They're fun and easy to write for.

In any case, I had to put them in here because I knew they'd have interesting things to say in this case.

The judge's producing the black cap is an old English custom from long ago. When a judge in England sentenced someone to death, they put on a black cap over top of the judicial wig. When the death penalty was abolished in England, the black cap custom pretty much went with it.

Since RuneScape is a British game, and the Court Case has an old English judge's wig as a prize for participating, I thought it'd be appropriate to reference that custom in this context.

And yes, I go back and forth between the American and the British spelling of 'armour'. Sorry about that. I couldn't help it.

28-Jul-2012 02:15:53 - Last edited on 31-Jul-2012 00:00:33 by Darelzel



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The ragged man is completely fictitious. As far as I know, no one has come close to suffering his fate yet. But he IS inspired by people who claim to have gambling problems based on a certain controversial distraction.

I was stuck on which representative of the Taverley Druids to use for a while, but in the end I settled on Kaqemeex. He doesn't seem to have much better to do than druid rituals and handing out the Herblore Skillcape, so I thought he'd be the right choice to be the one to testify. Others I considered in the role were Jatix, Sanfew, Ivy Sophista, and Thaerisk. Please note that this was written before The World Wakes, where Kaqemeex takes a slightly more active role as one of the Guardians of Guthix. I rewrote a bit of his dialogue so that it makes sense both before and after the events of that quest.

The Signature Heroes were there mostly to give our first-person protagonist someone to talk to who wasn't associated with the court. We'll be seeing a bit more of them when we come to the next portion of the story. This includes at least one who didn't get any lines during the trial.

I thought of using familiar RuneScape NPCs in the jury, but decided it didn't really matter. I also decided on the Court Cases Judge and prosecutor because I couldn't think of any other RuneScape NPCs who might be good in those roles.

Look forward to cameos by other NPCs in the next portion. I'll see who I can work in if it will make sense in the story.

And now, back to the story of the Trial of Yelps and his eventual fate.

WARNING: The following portion will contain dark comedy. Consider yourself warned.

28-Jul-2012 02:16:07 - Last edited on 21-Mar-2013 19:34:02 by Darelzel



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Chapter 7: Preparations

I did not really sleep well that night. First, I had trouble getting to sleep at all because my mind was too active. My mind was still on the events of the trial. The defense attorney's nonsensical arguments still greatly annoyed me, and then there was Yelps' disturbing breakdown on the stand. I couldn't get his high-pitched, maniacal laughter out of my mind.

Finally, I was able to sleep, but my dreams were not good. I dreamed that Yelps was hovering over me, glaring at me with a malevolent expression. "You will spin." he said in an ominous tone. "You will spin! You will SPIN!"

I woke up in a cold sweat.

I looked around, and much to my relief, Yelps was nowhere in sight. But that should not have been too much of a surprise. I knew, intellectually, that unless I saw him in prison, the only time I would ever see Yelps again was during his execution.

If I chose to attend, that is. In all honesty, I am not a big fan of public executions and I usually tried to avoid them whenever possible.

So anyway I got up and dressed in my usual attire, and wandered around Gielinor pausing to do various skills or check my bank.

Not surprisingly, no matter where I went, people were talking about Yelps' trial and the impending execution. From Relleka to Nardah, it seemed to be the main topic of conversation among adventurers and even among some of the residents.

People were speculating as to the method of execution, which had not been announced. "They're going to hang him, right?" "No, they're going to feed him to a dragon." "Are you kidding? The dragon would probably get sick and die right there!" "I hear they're going to tie him to a dart board!"

(continued next post)

28-Jul-2012 02:16:21 - Last edited on 01-Aug-2012 21:14:03 by Darelzel



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Over at Port Sarim, Brimhaven, and Mos Le Harmless, pirates were suggesting keelhauling or forcing Yelps to walk the plank. I paused to ask a few "Do you know where the execution is going to take place? Those methods only work if it takes place on a ship. Preferably one at sea."

The pirates were forced to admit they didn't know.

The goblins at Goblin Village seemed especially delighted, and I was sure many of them were going to attend the execution. Bentnoze and Wartface would be far from the only ones who had axes to grind with the money-grubbing runt goblin.

My clan, meanwhile, was still organizing skilling meetings and reporting Evil Tree and Crashed Star sightings, but the topic came up there, too. Many said they were going to attend the execution.

After a while of wandering, I met with a few of the Signature Heroes at the Blue Moon Inn. Much to my surprise, most of the usual crowd, with the exception of Dr. Harlow and the barbarian woman, were absent, so Sir Owen, Ariane, Ozan, and Xenia had a table set up for them to sit at. I decided to join them there.

"So, are you going to attend the execution?" Ozan asked.

"It's all anyone's talking about today." I replied. "But I'm not sure. It does seem a bit ... much. Usually thieves seem to just get thrown in Port Sarim jail."

"Yelps did far worse than the thieves at Port Sarim jail." Sir Owen reminded me. "Not only did he make people part with their hard-earned money in a dubious game of chance, but he also encouraged underage gambling, and trading with currency that is not of Gielinor. A message needs to be sent that such actions are not welcome here."

"An example needs to be made of him so that this will not happen again." Xenia added. "I have seen such things before, and when done right, they can be very effective."

(continued next post)

28-Jul-2012 02:34:56 - Last edited on 01-Aug-2012 21:14:38 by Darelzel



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"People are taking bets on how it's going to be done." Ozan said. "All adults, I'm sure. Some are betting on hanging. Some say he's going to be burned to the stake."

"I heard that they're going to send him to that Black Hole I heard about, but without a Disk of Returning." Ariane said.

"That's not an execution, that's just banishment." Ozan replied. "Word has it the council really wants to make it something spectacular."

"It will probably be quick." Sir Owen said. "He most likely will not feel a thing."

"I don't think so. You haven't been hearing all the suggestions that have been coming forth." Ozan said.

Xenia nodded. "As I said, they need to make an example out of him. A quick and merciful beheading or impaling may not be enough."

"I've heard the crowd." I said. "There's speculation going around everywhere."

"I suppose we will find out soon enough." Ariane said. "Will you be attending the execution?"

"I haven't decided yet." I said. "On the one hand, he's a bad guy. There's no question about it. On the other, I'm not sure I want to see what they do to him."

"The execution is tomorrow." Xenia said. "You will have until dawn to decide."

"I'll think about it." I replied.

I went about my business for the rest of the day. All along, I continued to hear talk about the execution. Still, I wondered if I actually wanted to see the sight. I had to admit, however, that I was wondering just what the method would be.

28-Jul-2012 02:35:11 - Last edited on 01-Aug-2012 21:13:30 by Darelzel



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Chapter 8: The Scene

That night, I had another bad dream. Yelps was appearing in front of me. "Go away!" I shouted.

"You will spin!" Yelps shouted.

"No I will not! Go away!"

"You WILL SPIN!" Yelps shouted, a little louder.


"YOU WILL SPIN!!!" Yelps screamed. "You will use all your spins! Extra spins for the win! And look here... you will BUY! BUY!"

"I'd sooner eat camel dung!" I shouted. "GO AWAY YOU FILTHY, MONEY-GRUBBING PARASITE!"

I realized that I had just shouted that last line aloud, and I was awake, in my room. Yelps was nowhere in sight, much to my relief.

But that dream settled it. I needed to attend the execution, if only to get some much needed closure.

So I got up, got dressed, and prepared for the event. It was not long before Postie Pete appeared before me. "A letter from Sir Amik Varze." he said.

I took the letter, and read it.

"On behalf of the White Knights of Falador, the Temple Knights, the Imperial Guard, the Varrock Guardsmen, the Dwarf Black Guard, the Void Knights, the Black Knights, the Goblin Village, the Wizard's Tower..."

I skipped through the letter just a bit, as it seems almost every authority organization in Gielinor were on the list of inviters.

" are invited to the execution of the hated criminal Yelps, to be held in a special area accessable via portal just outside of Duel Arena."

"Ah, so that's where it's going to be held."

I wasted no time in teleporting to the area. I soon found myself just north of Al Kharid, in the midst of a huge crowd. Everyone was headed to a portal that had appeared just outside the Duel Arena entrance gate. There were adventurers, Al Kharid citizens, White Knights, Lumbridge citizens, Varrock Citizens, dwarves, gnomes, goblins, and all sorts of others entering the portal.

(continued next post)

28-Jul-2012 02:35:24 - Last edited on 01-Aug-2012 21:16:10 by Darelzel



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I followed them, and found myself transported to what seemed to be another desert location.

Nearby was a building that resembled the Duel Arena in some respects. The crowd headed toward the building, directed by a few supervising guards. "This way to the site of the execution! Move in an orderly fashion toward the arena."

I started recognizing a few people as I approached the building. Some of my clanmates were there, and I saw just about everyone who had been at the trial two days ago. Ozan, Ariane, Sir Owen, Xenia, Linza, and the Raptor were right ahead of me.

We soon found ourselves surrounded by the walls of the building. Like the Duel Arena, it was an open-air building. Unlike the Duel Arena, there were a series of raised benches reaching from the ground of the arena to the walkways above. This meant there would be plenty of seating for the event that was to follow.

The arena itself was filled with all sorts of strange objects. Not the least of which was this giant metal device of some sort that looked to be over a hundred feet tall and six inches wide. I wondered what this was for. In front of it appeared to be platforms and a cage, and what appeared to be gallows.

I took a seat on one of the benches, along side of Ariane and Ozan. "Judging from the size of the crowd, it will be standing room only soon enough." Ariane remarked.

Of course, she was right about that. The benches were soon all filled up, and the walkways above were crowded with spectators. In the arena, a group of musicians began playing a song. "This is a song we composed, in honor of this occasion." the leader of the musicians said.

The musicians began playing, and singing.

"Hang down your head, O Yelpsy
Hang down your head and cry
Hang down your head, O Yelpsy
Poor boy, you're bound to die.

One day he had the notion
That he could sell spins
Make folks spend their money
Hoping for big wins"

28-Jul-2012 02:35:39 - Last edited on 01-Aug-2012 21:19:11 by Darelzel



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"He robbed folks of their money
By luring them to sin
Every day he'd show up
Urging them to spin

Hang down your head, O Yelpsy
Hang down your head and cry
Hang down your head, O Yelpsy
Poor boy, you're bound to die

The people they were outraged
The council they did call
To them they demanded
That Yelps should take his fall

Reckon that tomorrow
Know just where he'll be
Crushed beneath a pillar
And sent to eternity

Hang down your head, O Yelpsy
Hang down your head and cry
Hang down your head, O Yelpsy
Poor boy you're bound to die"

As the group repeated the chorus, guards and officials were streaming into the arena.

"Hang down your head, O Yelpsy
Hang down your head and cry
Hang down your head, O Yelpsy
Poor boy, you're bound to die.
Poor boy, you're bound to die."

The musicians finished their song, as the crowd applauded. Though to be honest, the song got mixed reaction. Some of the crowd clearly liked it, while others were impatiently waiting for the main event. "Less singing, more splatting!" someone said.

The Raptor said "Not impressed."

At this point, King Roald of Misthalin moved to the center of the arena, accompanied by Councillor Halgrive of Ardougne and Sir Tiffy Cashien of the Temple Knights.

King Roald addressed the crowd. "We are gathered here to witness the execution of the criminal known as Yelps. His actions have been ruled treasonous not just to Misthalin, but to Kandarin, Asgarnia, and all of Gielinor. And as such he will suffer the maximum penalty. Dignitaries of every province west of the River Salve are present to bear witness to this event."

"Bring in the condemned criminal."

He motioned to a nearby gate.

(continued next post)

28-Jul-2012 02:54:27 - Last edited on 01-Aug-2012 21:20:50 by Darelzel



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Chapter 9: The Method

The gate opened, and several heavily-armed guards dragged Yelps into the arena. Yelps was in chains, and clad in prison greys. At once, the crowd got into a frenzy. "DOWN WITH YELPS! DOWN WITH YELPS!" some chanted. "DEATH TO YELPS! DEATH TO YELPS!" others chanted.

A few threw rotten tomatoes at Yelps from the stands. Yelps, meanwhile, was looking completely miserable. However, I was not at all taken in, and neither were most of the people present.

King Roald quickly spoke again. "The crowd will refrain from throwing any further items at the condemned..."

A loud chorus of boos ensued.

"...until prompted otherwise." King Roald added.

An executioner wearing a black executioner's hood approached. Councillor Halgrive and Sir Tiffy turned toward Yelps.

"I say, I believe this is the part where we ask the condemned if he has any last words." Sir Tiffy said.

"Indeed." Councillor Halgrive said. "Yelps, you have been sentenced to be publically executed today before this crowd. Have you any last words?"

Yelps smiled. "Extra spins for the..." he never finished the sentence for a rotten tomato hit him directly in the face.

"Not impressed." said the Raptor. "Should have been a flail."

Yelps glared at the crowd. If looks could kill, most of the crowd would have died right there. "You don't get it! None of you get it! You'd rather stand in the way of someone trying to make some honest money!"

"Honest? HA!" someone shouted. There was a loud chorus of boos.

"That'll be enough." Halgrive said.

"Take him to the gallows." King Roald ordered.

The guards dragged Yelps to the gallows, as he struggled and squealed.

"So they're just going to hang him?" I asked.

"That's what it looks like." said Ariane.

The Executioner began placing a noose over Yelps' head, as Yelps blew a raspberry at the crowd. The crowd responded with boos and raised fingers.

(continued next post)

01-Aug-2012 21:22:19



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"HANG YELPS! HANG YELPS!" chanted many in the crowd. I winced, realizing that I was surrounded by people demanding a creature's death. Despite what Yelps had done, I couldn't help feeling a little uncomfortable.

With the noose now tight around the runt goblin's neck, the Executioner moved to the lever to pull it. The trap door opened, and Yelps was suspended by the neck tied with the rope. The crowd cheered as they saw Yelps struggling and trying desperately to squirm free of the noose. After about a minute, Yelps was still.

The crowd was silent, and then they began cheering loudly. And then Yelps opened his eyes and smiled.

With a sneaky smile, Yelps squirmed free of the noose and landed on his feet on the floor. "Hah! You'll have to do better than that!"

The cheers turned to boos. The Executioner turned to Yelps. "All right, I guess we'll have to do things the hard way."

He motioned to a few dwarves nearby. "Ready the device!"

"The device?" I asked.

Yelps was restrained by the guards and the Executioner. The Executioner grabbed Yelps and placed him on a platform attached to the giant metal device. The Executioner stood next to Yelps, as King Roald spoke.

"It is clear that a mere hanging will not be sufficient." King Roald said. "You have my authorization to use the Multi-Pulley Mechanical Pillar Dropping Device."

"What is that?" I asked.

"It's a newly proposed means of execution." Xenia said. "I'm sure you will get the idea."

The Executioner gave the signal to his dwarf assistants. At once, the dwarves activated the device. A pulley system raised the platform carrying the Executioner and Yelps to the top of the towering metal structure. The Executioner then placed Yelps in what appeared to be a titanium metal cage. Yelps was trapped under what appeared to be a series of gears.

The Executioner turned a wheel on the top of the structure, and the gears began turning. A large glowing block of metal came into view. I could not believe what I was seeing.

01-Aug-2012 21:24:26



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"Is that ... is that uranium?!?" I said incredulously.

The block of uranium landed on Yelps, as the gears pressed it against him. Yelps was being slowly crushed under the block as the gears continued turning, pushing the block repeatedly. He let out a brief high-pitched squeal before the pressure became too much.

"He's done for..." I said, wincing. Between the crushing weight and the radioactivity, I was sure Yelps was a goner. For a moment, I pondered just where the block of uranium had come from. I didn't recall hearing that uranium existed anywhere in Gielinor.

The Executioner turned a dial, and a mechanical arm moved into the cage. The arm lifted the block of uranium, and removed it from the cage. The arm then rotated to a part of the roof of the structure I could not see from my vantage point, to dispose of the block of uranium.

However, I could see the cage clearly. Yelps was still laying in the place where he had been crushed. His body having been irradiated, his green skin was now a sickly colour. Blood dripped from his mouth, and bruises covered his body. For a moment, I thought he was dead.

Then, his eyes opened, and he coughed. "I've been through worse..." he said, his normal high-pitched voice sounding a bit weak.

At the base of the Device, a figure clad in black robes appeared. I knew who this figure was right away. I had seen said figure during several Halloween events. It was the Anthropomorpic Personification of Death, the Grim Reaper.

"What's he doing here?" I asked.

"Obviously, he's been invited here to confirm the death when it happens." Xenia said. "It looks like the condemned man is particularly hard to kill."

While it was true that Yelps had been punched by a boxing glove several times daily when he operated the Squeal of Fortune and suffered no real injuries, I was still surprised that he had managed to survive the ordeal so far.

(continued next post)

01-Aug-2012 21:29:12



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The Executioner then attached Yelps to another pulley and gear system, and turned another wheel. The carnival huckster's arms and legs were pulled and stretched, and then secured tightly, and painfully, to the edge of the cage. Yelps cried out in pain, as the crowd looked on. The cage was then lowered onto another platform halfway to the top of the device, but in plain view of the crowd.

The crowd now had a better look at the crushed, irradiated, stretched form of Yelps. At this moment, a green light turned on, and a voice from the device proclaimed "You may now jeer at the condemned."

And the crowd did just that. Instantly members of the crowd began jeering, yelling, and shouting at Yelps, saying all sorts of nasty comments. Most of those statements I will not repeat here. But all of them were cursing Yelps for his materialistic greedy ways and his intrusion into Gielinor.

Yelps could only stare helplessly as the crowd expressed their complete and total hatred for him. Rotten tomatoes and camel dung were flung at him.

This went on for some time. At this point, I wasn't sure I wanted to be here anymore. Don't get me wrong - I hated Yelps for all the damage he was doing to the world in the name of making extra money. I hated him for his shady gambling operation. But still, this seemed unnecessarily cruel.

On the other hand, I had the urge to throw a few rotten tomatoes at him myself. Before I knew what was happening, I repeated what I had said at the end of my dream. "GO AWAY YOU FILTHY MONEY-GRUBBING PARASITE!"

Yelps snarled at the crowd as they continued their jeering. "Fools! Idiots! (drowned out by crowd noise)! You think anyone will give (drowned out by crowd noise) about your (drowned out by crowd noise) world once I'm gone? Ha!"

(continued next post)

01-Aug-2012 21:30:54



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The crowd continued jeering, shouting and yelling at Yelps. After ten more minutes of this, I spoke to a passing guard. "How long is this going to go on?"

"At least three more hours." the guard said. "Then the light will turn yellow and we move on to the final two phases."

"That seems a bit much." I said.

"Believe it or not, a lot of the people in the crowd need all that time to vent all their anger toward that thing." the guard said. "There may also be a few latecomers who wish to get a chance to do the same."

"Fair enough." I said. "I think I've said all I wish to say to him anyway. To be honest, I never want to see that creep again."

"That can be easily arranged." the guard said. "This is an execution, after all."

"But still, I think I'll go be somewhere a little less noisy for a while." I said. "But I'll be back when this phase is over."

I stood up and headed to the outside of the arena, the shouting and yelling echoing behind me.

Chapter 10: The Last Two Phases

I had never attended a public execution of this sort before, and I was feeling kind of overwhelmed. On the one hand, I was opposed to cruel and unusual punishment, but on the other hand I felt Yelps had this coming. I was confused, not knowing how to feel.

I needed a break. So I went to a bench just outside the arena to sit and clear my head.

What I had said during the trial was the truth. And I was sure that had Yelps never crossed the line and turned his game into gambling, this event never would have been necessary. But based on his own confession, it had been his plan from the beginning. At this moment, I wished Yelps had never come to Gielinor.

I sat there, thinking about the past. While it would be dishonest to say that Gielinor never had troubles, in the old days anyone who even tried Yelps' stunt of making people pay otherworld currency for Gielinor goods would have had their voices silenced before being removed. This went back long before I came to Gielinor in the first place.

01-Aug-2012 21:32:22



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Yelps, on the other hand, had initially received official sanctions for his game. It was only now that he was finally being punished for his actions. I had to wonder just how did things get this far. What had happened?

I sat there pondering for a long time, only occasionally aware of the shouting and yelling from the arena behind me. I thought about everything I had gone through over what seemed like years to me. I was so lost in thought that when a loud horn sounded, I was jolted back to where I was.

A voice over a loud speaker spoke. "The Yellow Phase will begin in ten minutes. Everyone wishing to participate please return to the arena."

Had I been sitting here for nearly three hours? It didn't matter. I knew I had to see what happened next.

I stood up and passed by a few vendors. The vendors were selling rotten tomatoes, camel dung, executioner's hoods, and T-shirts depicting Yelps with a 'No' circle pasted over his image. The first two, I rightly guessed, were for flinging at Yelps. The other two were souvenirs.

Putting aside the question of whether or not selling merchandise at an execution was in good taste, I thought this was kind of ironic given the situation. Still, as long as the vendors were charging Gielinor currency for the items they sold within Gielinor, I had no problems with them.

I purchased a few rotten tomatoes, and decided that the T-shirts could wait. I had to go back to my seat in the arena.

Ariane, Ozan, and Xenia had kindly saved my seat for me. I thanked them as I sat down.

Yelps was still stretched painfully against the edge of the cage. He was pale, sickly, battered, and covered in camel dung and rotten tomatoes. He glared at the crowd.

At this point, the green light changed to yellow. "The crowd is now permitted to use whatever projectiles they wish against the condemned." the Executioner announced.

(continued next note)

01-Aug-2012 21:33:59 - Last edited on 02-Aug-2012 03:02:25 by Darelzel



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At this point, several members of the crowd raised bows. Others prepared mage staffs.

Within seconds, the crowd began firing dozens and dozens of arrows, bolts, spells, and other projectiles at Yelps. "No! No!" Yelps squealed in a high pitched voice.

His further protests were stopped by even more projectiles and spells thrown against him.

The crowd attacked him relentlessly, as if he were some big boss monster like the Kalphite Queen, the King Black Dragon, or the Corporeal Beast. Ozan got in on the act, firing some arrows at Yelps. The goblin generals Bentnoze and Wartface threw rocks at Yelps, and so did a number of other goblins. This only encouraged a number of rock-throwing trolls to do the same.

Amidst the noise, I could hear the ominous metallic-sounding voice of the Raptor. "Not impressed. Can he survive this?"

And with that, the Raptor threw a huge spiked flail at Yelps. It collided with him, making an unsettling noise, before being blown apart by fire spells. Yelps, however, was still alive. He was covered in blood, bruises, and burns, but he was still alive.

I decided to do my part in putting the creature out of his misery. I cast a few Fire missile spells at him, alternating between the various spells as I saw fit.

But still Yelps survived. "He might not be capable of fighting back, but he might be tougher to kill than the Pest Queen." I remarked.

Projectiles and spells continued to strike Yelps, who squealed in agony but still did not die.

"How many Life Points does this guy have?!?" I shouted.

I stood back as most of the crowd continued their unrelenting assault.

After a full hour, the light turned red, signalling for the crowd to stop. And at last the crowd finally ceased their attacks.

I looked up to the platform where Yelps and his cage were still suspended high above everyone else. Smoke was rising from Yelps' beaten, battered, bloodied, and burned body. He was motionless.

01-Aug-2012 21:35:38



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And then his eyes opened, and he began coughing up blood. As his own blood and vomit trailed down his body, he spoke. "Is that... is that ... (gasp) ... is that the best you can do? (gasp)"

It was at this point that the Executioner pressed a button, and a sign lit up. The sign was clearly a timer, as the number five appeared on the screen. Soon, the timer began to count down as the crowd chanted.

5! 4! 3! 2! 1!"

At that point, the platform dropped open, and Yelps and the cage plummeted several feet and smashed into the ground. The crowd cheered.

Yelps, lying in the wreckage of the cage, stared upward. He saw what was coming.

The machine's pulleys were moving a massive pillar around to the space above Yelps. The pillar was made of refined steel, and took up 63 square feet on its base.

Yelps began to panic. "No!" he shouted weakly. "I'll be good... I'll never run another gambling operation for as long as I live! Just let me..."

He never finished the sentence, for at that point the pulleys released the pillar.

The pillar, now released, rushed downwards towards Yelps at an incredibly high speed thanks to the pull of gravity. With a loud crash and an almost as loud crunching sound, the pillar smashed Yelps deep into the ground.

For a moment, there was silence. Then, the Grim Reaper spoke. "Yelps is now among the deceased."

The Grim Reaper turned toward the giant metal pillar that now served as Yelps' tombstone. Then, the Grim Reaper disappeared.

The crowd began cheering loudly, jumping up and down and dancing.

King Roald began to speak. "Let this mark the end of the Era of Greed, and the beginning of a new era of prosperity and integrity for the land of Gielinor. This event has now ended."

(continued next note)

01-Aug-2012 21:37:04 - Last edited on 01-Aug-2012 21:38:19 by Darelzel



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The cheering and celebrating continued for some time, though some were already leaving. I stood up, and turned to go.

"It WAS a bit much, but I can't say he didn't have it coming." That being said, I sincerely hoped it would never again be necessary to use something as twisted as the Multi-Pulley Mechanical Pillar Dropping Device.

My emotions were mixed. I felt repulsed by what I had seen, and yet ... relieved. A great dark cloud that had been present for months appeared now to have been lifted.

As I headed out of the arena, I passed by the souvenir vendors. The 'No Yelps' T-shirts were still being sold, and I took a closer look at them.

The front, as I said earlier, had a picture of Yelps with a 'no circle' pasted over top of it. But on the back was a picture of a toy horsey, with the caption "Just say neigh to gambling!"

I had to smile at this. "Indeed." I said aloud.

01-Aug-2012 21:38:43



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Epilogue: Aftermath

After Yelps' execution, things gradually settled down to normal. People went about their business, doing skills, quests, and other activities again. But there was a great sense of contentment as they did so that I had not seen in a long time.

Already, Yelps and his game were being considered one of those dark eras in a place's past that had now safely passed. Few people were even talking about him, aside from those who were now proudly wearing 'No Yelps' shirts or executioner's hoods.

I heard from my clanmates that there were 'No Yelps' shirts being sold outside of Gielinor as well. That didn't surprise me at all.

Along the road to Falador, I met with Ariane and Ozan. "So, how are things?" I asked.

"They're good." Ozan said. "I never did get back the money that creature owed me, but things are good."

"Things have been good for me, too. So, what's the latest gossip?" I asked.

"I've heard the Squeal of Fortune might be coming under new management soon." Ariane said. "The new candidates are a gnome, a rat, and a pig. The last two are especially being considered because the powers that be are too lazy to change the name, and both of those creatures squeal. So it fits."

"But buyable spins are gone, right?" I said.

"Of course." Ariane said. "Those who sent Yelps were told that it had to be stopped. The new, revamped Squeal of Fortune will only have spins that can be obtained from in-Gielinor means, or paying the tax for crossing over into Kandarin, Brimhaven, or Morytania. So there will be no more gambling with other-world money."

"Good." I said. "Anyway, things seem to be looking up already. Adventurers' morale has greatly improved. People are showing more enthusiasm for skilling, questing, and just about everything than I've seen in months."

(continued next note)

01-Aug-2012 21:39:37 - Last edited on 06-Mar-2013 06:06:21 by Darelzel



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"Ah, yes." Ozan said. "Now we can all get back to doing what we do best. Going on adventures that will be told in song and story for generations to come. Of course, I will write many of the songs and stories."

"You never change, do you?" Ariane replied.

"Why should I?" Ozan said. "Enjoy life, I say."

I smiled and nodded. We then changed the subject to other events before going our seperate ways for the rest of the day.

In the end, I was glad that we had now finally closed this unfortunate era in Gielinor's history. While I knew there would be more challenges to the integrity of the world in the future, it was possible that the worst was now over.

I walked forward, feeling renewed and invigorated, as the sun rose on the dawn of a new day.

The End

OOC: The preceeding story has not happened ... yet. In the meantime, however, take the toy horsey's advice. :)

On a more serious note, I wish to reiterate that I do not endorse public executions. This story was written as a response to people's suggestions that should certain controversial options be done away with, there should be a special event to signify the end of such a controversial era.

One person suggested the method that was ultimately used in the story.

In any case, here's to a brighter future for RuneScape free of controversial options such as the ones that inspired this story.

01-Aug-2012 21:44:48 - Last edited on 21-Mar-2013 18:52:30 by Darelzel



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One of the challenges in writing this story was trying to write this from an in-universe point of view (meaning little or no fourth wall breaking except one or two for the purposes of comedy). In order to address one of the most serious grievances people have with the Squeal of Fortune, I needed to find some way of doing so without using terms like 'the real world' or 'real world money'. I think I managed to work around that nicely.

As for the method, I have the above commenter to thank for coming up with it and for granting me permission to use it. It appealed to me because it made sense, given the cartoonish slapstick Yelps endures on a daily basis, that he'd be tough to kill. The MPMPDD seemed to provide an appropriate over-the-top variation of a Rasputin death for him. (Rasputin, of course, being that famous Russian historical figure who's probably most famous for being very hard for his enemies to kill).

The narrator in the story is pretty much doing what I think I would do in that situation. Other players might have handled the situation the same way, or they may have handled it differently.

On a lighter note, I'd gladly wear a 'No Yelps' T-Shirt as they are described at the end of Chapter 10. Now THAT shirt sends the right message. :)

02-Aug-2012 03:33:55 - Last edited on 11-Dec-2013 00:31:39 by Darelzel



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Well, of course what I really want gone is the 'buyable spins' option, for obvious reasons. If that isn't done away with, then it doesn't really matter what happens to Yelps.

As for whether or not this would actually happen, I'd think if they wanted to give Yelps an in-game sendoff (as opposed to him just disappearing), they'd turn him into a boss monster instead of doing him in with a crazy darkly comedic over-the-top public execution. If Yelps were to just disappear along with the controversial option I mentioned in the previous paragraph, then this story would become like my 'Romeo and Juliet' story in that it'd be a story telling what happened to someone who was removed from the game (in this case, it'd be Yelps), and give a sense of closure.

Which is why I give that disclaimer both at the beginning and the end that the events of this story have not happened ... yet.

04-Aug-2012 18:27:47 - Last edited on 11-Dec-2013 00:32:04 by Darelzel



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Good point, Deltaslug. To be honest, I haven't really had a chance to compare the 'lucky' items to the actual items. Of course, in the story the goblin generals Wartface and Bentnoze say that the armour might have been stolen.

But yes, forgery could indeed be added to the list of crimes. And I'm sure there might be one or two other offenses I forgot to mention.

As for Solomon, as long as he doesn't step over the line and sell items that give in-game advantages for real-world money, he's fine. If he does cross that line, well, we'll cross that bridge if we ever come to it (and I'm hoping we never do).

25-Aug-2012 02:15:50 - Last edited on 11-Dec-2013 00:32:20 by Darelzel



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Thanks for the kind words about this and The Fate of Romeo.

Regretably, I will probably not be posting any other stories to the current Stories area. Even though I do have a few ideas, including a few that are MUCH more lighthearted than this one or 'The Fate of Romeo', I'm afraid I will not post them because I wish to give other writers the space they need to post their works.

I still tend to like 'The Fate of Romeo' better, though quite frankly I kind of wish neither that story nor THIS story needed to be written. I didn't think it was necessary to remove the Romeo and Juliet quest (in fact, it could have easily been expanded upon with a sequel parodying Shakespeare some more), and I could have done without a certain controversial aspect of a certain controversial 'spinning' mini-game. But if you've read this entire story before getting to this point, I think most of you figured out that last part already. :)

Anyway, thanks once again.

13-Sep-2012 15:07:05 - Last edited on 11-Dec-2013 00:32:42 by Darelzel



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For those who are wondering why neither the trial nor the execution take place at Botany Bay, there are two reasons:

1. This story was written before Botany Bay came out.

2. One crime Yelps CANNOT be accused of is botting. So he's out of the Botfinder General's jurisdiction.

28-Oct-2012 03:51:26



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Amusing, though my intention was for Death to reap him after the Pillar crushed him.

Considering that Yelps can still be seen in-game, and his pop-up still shows up, I'm sticking to the idea that this story has not happened yet.

I have revised some dialogue here and there to fit in with the Sixth Age. Kaqemeex's dialogue about Guthix was changed to reflect the change in the status quo following The World Wakes. And I've thought about adding something else to the trial portion, to reflect some of the later Squeal promotions that I've found to be in questionable taste (the golden chinchompa, the Icthlarin and Amascut masks, and such). Yelps keeps finding new crimes to commit to add to the list of charges, I'd say.

11-Dec-2013 00:30:40



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Ah, and now with the Treasure Hunter thing, I might end up revising this story soon. It's possible Yelps might not be long for this world soon.

I might add some new material reflecting this. Let's see what happens first, though.

20-Jan-2014 23:02:49



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Guardian Fox said:
Good story; and I agree with some of the stuff that went on in it. I also laughed a good amount :3

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I've considered adding a section to the trial reflecting Yelps' more recent crimes (causing the near-extinction of the Golden Chinchompa, among other things), but this story might end up becoming just a bit redundant in the near future (at least as far as Yelps is concerned) so I'm not sure it's worth the effort.

But basically my goal was to make a few points, in a manner that I hoped would also be entertaining. I pretty much knew that as far as points about the SOF went, I was more or less preaching to the choir. So I decided to have some fun with it, working in Ozan and Ariane, the goblin generals, and a few other favorites. The trial portions were especially fun to write from beginning to end.

As for Yelps' Villainous Breakdown, I imagine him saying that in the same high-pitched voice as his infamous 'Extra spins for the win', only turned up higher as he gets crazier. It sounds downright terrifying in my head.

Oh, and the 'Tom Dooley' parody was something I originally wrote for another darkly comedic thread, but I wasn't satisfied with my original lyrics so I changed some and added a few.

As for the latter portion, the souvenir vendor bits are my personal favorite part. As I said before, I'd love to have a T-shirt like the one described. :)

04-Mar-2014 18:08:32 - Last edited on 04-Mar-2014 18:14:38 by Darelzel

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