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The Armies of Yu'biusk

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Hines53
Apr Member 2020

Hines53

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Hey! This is the first story I've really began writing, and I'm looking for constructive feedback and for encouragement! If its prologue is well liked enough, I'll star posting chapters!

Introduction:
"In the near future, the city of Varrock stands proud... the city is thriving, full of life and full of hope as it celebrates another decisive victory against the goblin hordes which had brutalized Misthalin for so many years. In the twilight of what was known as "The Goblin war", something more serious than petty theft and public drunkeness threatens Varrock now...

The threat lies in the darkest recesses of the wilderness, where an ancient evil lies dormant...

As the last of the goblin combatants flee across the river lum, varrock employs the city's toughest to finish of it's enemy. Three young adventurers are hired to hunt down the retreating soldiers, but what they find could spell the biggest threat to humankind in Gielinor in the century since Guthix's death... the forces of Bandos will threaten Runescape again, and it will take more than luck to save the whole of human civilization from their swords.
"

The Prologue is extensive - it is three sizable parts. I'd appreciate any feedback from readers who have the time to go through them! They're important as they'll set the tone and character development through the rest of the chapters!
I've also outlined the three main character's basic traits that they'll exhibit throughout the story. Any feedback on these too would be appreciate!
It's definitely a work in progress, but this is something I've wanted to do for a long time.

Thanks for reading!

12-Aug-2013 04:50:01

Hines53
Apr Member 2020

Hines53

Posts: 302Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
-Main Character traits-

Name: Dante
Age: 17

Clothing:

Physical description: Dante has dark, black skin. His face is very gaunt.He is about seven feet tall, but he is very slim, like most of the other people from his villiage. He holds himself very soberly in most situations, and although it's not necessarily a physical trait, his presence brings an air of intelligence with it.

Personality: Dante is very reserved and contemplative. Although he spent the first few years of his life in the ghettos of East Ardougne and Karamja, he is well educated thanks to his well-to-do uncle's instructions. He carries himself with pride at all times and can easily reason with or intimidate a foe. He has an immense sense of duty to those who are hurt or under attack, and he often leaves bad situations with admirers. While he is quiet, he enjoys meaningful conversation with anyone while he has the time. He is deeply philosophical when the time calls.

skills/abilities: Dante is well versed in the lore of runescape and the art of fighting. He has basic abilities in magic and he knows several basic prayers. While he usually talks little, when it's needed he can be persuasive or even intimidating. He fletches his own arrows expertfully and is very good at mixing potions.

handicaps: His quietness is usually mistaken for impoliteness. He is often judged for coming from a less civilised area and for his skin color, and he is stubborn at times, though rarely, much like his father.

Family:
Parents - his mother died at birth. His father was a stubborn, hard-working man who wanted the best for Dante but whose judgement was often clouded by his stubborness. He died shortly after Dante left his home for family in East Ardougne.
Grandparents - Dante only ever knows his Father's parents. His grandmother was the healer in his villiage. His grandfather is a fisherman, who identifies with Dante in many ways. Although Dante's grandmother dies sometime after he leaves, of natural causes, his grandf

12-Aug-2013 04:50:27 - Last edited on 12-Aug-2013 04:51:55 by Hines53

Hines53
Apr Member 2020

Hines53

Posts: 302Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
lives an unnaturally long life. his grandfather often identifies with Dante, and even after he leaves Karamja they maintain a close relationship.

Name: Hines
Age: 23

Clothing:

Physical description: Although Hines is not nearly as tall as Dante, he is an impressive six and a half feet. He has thick, brown hair and wirey arms, although he is much thicker than Dante. He often looks tired but he can easily manipulate his facial expressions when the time comes.

Personality: Hines is much more outgoing than Dante. His roots in the post-plague East Ardougne gives him an inept ability to talk his way out of trouble (or into it). He's often protective of people whom he percieves as defenseless or bullied, and he lacks little remorse for his actions. He frequents bars and social events with Dante, and usually tries to prevent potential problems from arising. He has a deep sense of right and wrong and acts according to his principals.

Skills/abilities: Although he lacks the firghtening fighting prowess possessed by Dante, he is still skilled in fighting with both his fists and several types of weapons. He is confident and charismatic, and he posseses a huge amount of survival skill due to his time on the streets.

Handicaps: Although he is charismatic, his temper can cloud his judgement and create unintended problems. His desire and persuit of defending people can also cloud his judgement and prevent him from behacing rationally.

Family:
Hines was orphaned at a very young age. The closest thing he has to a family member is Dante, whom he protected and mentored when he first moved into East Ardougne. He believes he has a few siblings somewhere in edgeville, but he rarely mentions them and seems indifferent as to how they're fairing.

12-Aug-2013 04:50:45 - Last edited on 12-Aug-2013 04:52:57 by Hines53

Hines53
Apr Member 2020

Hines53

Posts: 302Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Name: Atheana
Age: 16

Clothing:

Physical description: Atheana stands at five feet tall and has a clearly thicker build than her companions. Her face islightly dotted by acne and scrapes, but she is undeniably pretty. She has longer blond hair, usually drawn back to prevent it from obscuring her view. Although she comes from a wealthy family, her fingernails are worn down and her hands are rough and calloused. She is less agile that her companions and often maintains a tougher demeanor, shown through her generally defensive posture.

Personality: Atheana, a naturally talented archer, ran away from her estate in Yanille to persue herinterest in sharpshooting, which was disallowed by her wealthy parents. She is independant and refuses to let anyone forget it. This stubborness often earns her enemies, but she's motivated by a deep sense of destiny and righteousness and means the best. She has little time for humor and is quick to anger, but on occasion she can be pleasant.

Skills/abilities: Although she recieved little formal combat training, she is deadly acuurate with her bow and arrow. She is also considered extremely dangerous with her variety of other ranged weapons. She is extremely skilled with her fists in a fight. Due to her well-to-do upbringing she has basic cooking skills and can maintain a clean environment, although dirty environment rarely bother her. thanks to her flight from her home at a fairly young age and her ability to shoot her bow, she is a natural hunter. She is also the only member of the group capable of finding herbs and berries in the various regions of runescape.

Handicaps: her ot temper often limits her ability to coerse and manipulate others by any means other than plain intimidation. She often has trouble identifying with the more humble characters she comes across, and it often puts her in dangerous situations. While she can fight with her hands and her bow, she is particularly clumsy with a melee weapons, and has never had any luck

12-Aug-2013 04:53:25

Hines53
Apr Member 2020

Hines53

Posts: 302Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
with the art of magic.

Family: Atheana speaks very little about her parents, but she is the only surviving daughter of an extremely wealthy family in Yanille. As young child her older siblings were killed by one of the first strikes carried out against Yanille by the Ogers. Her parents completely discouraged her training in combat and disallowed her from having freedom outside of her house.

*end*
-please give me feedback on these character's traits or how I could better incorporate them into my prologue/story!

12-Aug-2013 04:54:37

Hines53
Apr Member 2020

Hines53

Posts: 302Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Dante’s prologue—Prologue Part 1
An old man sits on the dock, staring out at the ocean, watching the waves roll in as the sun shines off of the water. He takes a drag off of his wooden pipe, rocking his chair back and forth, starting to fall asleep… He jumps as water drenches him. He picks himself off of the dripping wood, and hobbles over to the side of the dock. His grandson is doing his best to paddle away from the shore, still dressed and crying as he swims.
“Boy, what are you doing in the water? You scared me half to death!”
“Pap, some boys pushed me off of a tree I was climbing!” he cried, panting as he swam and sobbed, “I hate this place and I’m leaving!”
The old man hangs his head and leans his tired body on the railing.
“Boy, what did you do when they pushed you?”
“I ran, and now I’m swimming away!”
The boy was huge for his age. The old man could remember thinking to himself how big he was as a newborn, when he first saw him crying in the family hut. He was the size of a short sword! Now, at six years old, we was an impressive five feet tall. His legs pushed him quickly against the water crashing against the shore. Any other child his age would have been thrown into the beams of the dock.
“Boy, you can** swim to anywhere. That’s the ocean! Besides, the mainland is the other way.”
He walked along the sobbing, swimming child… he couldn’t remember a single instance of the child crying since his birth. Something wasn’t right. As he reached the end of the dock, he notices small streaks of read piercing the ocean’s surface. Blood was trailing from him!
“What did them boys do to you, boy!* The old man barked. “Stop your swimming, I’m too old to chase after you and you’ll regret if I have to come in after you!”
Obediently, the boy caught the last beam on the dock and crawled up to the surface of the dock, falling onto the splintered wood and breathing heavily. There was a single slice on his torso, extending from his collarbone to the end of ribcage. It was a clean

12-Aug-2013 04:55:13

Hines53
Apr Member 2020

Hines53

Posts: 302Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
cut and it did*’t look as if it had pierced too deeply, but the entire front of his shredded shirt was doused with blood now.
*What happened boy. Tell me the whole story now.*
The boy stared at him, frightened stiff more of his grandfather than of his wound, which was still bleeding profusely.
“I tried to fight them boys. One of them had a little dagger and he cut me.”
“Them cut you?”
“Them cut me, I tried to fight Pap!”
The old man looked at him sadly. He was a bright young boy, but growing up on Karamja was getting harder every day. The banana plantation was failing and more and more small arms were being smuggled in from the mainland. The kids from their village were stealing more and more, and the fights were more serious than he had ever seen.
*The wounds aren’t bad boy, your Mam is in the fields. Go to her! She can fix you up. I’m going to go speak to your father”
“But Pap,” the boy began to speak. He was cut off.
“Don’t argue with me boy, go find your Mam!”
The boy took off running, turning onto the beach and down the shoreline.
The old man picked his pipe up from the rotting floor of the dock. He started his walk back to the family’s hut… the palm frond were falling off of their trunks like he had never seen before. Coming in from the east he could see another tumorous mass of storm clouds rolling in. He knew it was no place for a boy to grow up. When he was a child things were better, even in relative poverty. He just hoped the boy’s father would listen. Pap knew his son could be stubborn, but after the boy’s injuries, there was no way he could stay on the island.

12-Aug-2013 04:55:45

Hines53
Apr Member 2020

Hines53

Posts: 302Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hines and Dante meet—Prologue Part 2
The empty, degrading streets of West Ardougne welcome the teenager with every step he takes. He knows every pebble and every pothole on the long road. He’s heard every argument coming from the buildings around him a thousand times, and he can name the belligerents of each by name, although he’s never met any of them. Hines’ intimate familiarity with the slums he inhabited gave him a sense of belonging somewhere, and he was glad to know every alley and every vacated building of the west side.
He turns right into an alley and jumps, silently establishing a footing on a windowsill, and despite the complete darkness around him he begins to climb using the gaps in the wall where bricks once were. He’s climbed the wall so many times, even with the stars in the sky hidden by clouds he can almost sprint up the wall as if he were an assassin. He climbs through the third story window into the only livable floor of the building, and removes his shirt and unbuckles his belt, allowing his sheathed sword to clatter to the ground.
Covering the windows with curtains he picked up from East Ardougne’s market, he carefully checks his room for any lapse in cover. Feeling confident that he can’t be seen from the street, he lights several of his candles and fires his old stove up, hungrier than he’d like to be after a long day of working in the sewers.
He opens his satchel and his heart drops into his empty stomach—rats scatter and run into the walls, leaving the backpack empty save for their droppings and a few runes. All of the food he had saved was gone! In a fit of rage the boy rips the window open and climbs back down to the alley, fuming. He walks quickly down the street, looking over his shoulder, holding his sword tightly as he made his way to the dingy market a mile from his little loft…
He sees a figure walking the opposite direction on his side of the street, his eyes now adjusted to the dark night. The figure is dark and almost matching

12-Aug-2013 04:56:52

Hines53
Apr Member 2020

Hines53

Posts: 302Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
in pace, so he keeps his eyes trained on it, his hands clasping his sword tighter and tighter as it draws nearer. The figure doesn’t seem to have noticed him yet as they become increasing close to one another, so he ducks behind the building immediately next to him and waits, watching the street to glimpse the pedestrian. The figure passes oblivious to Hines, and Hines recognizes him as a boy from the manor a block from his house. Nearly his height, the boy has a certain naivety to him that suggests he’s much younger than he appears. He looks at the boy, a tribal he presumes, and lets him pass in peace. He watches him for a short amount of time, the boy trips on imperfections in the road and at one point almost twists his ankle on a pothole.
Hines allows him to pass and cover ten yards or so before he returns to the street, silently resuming his course the market.
Although the palace stands tall, it shares the same sadness as the other buildings in the city. Its windows are clouded and the lawn is unkempt. To its right is the bakery, closed for the night, empty and still. Hines checks his pocket, hoping he hasn’t forgotten his lock picking set in his haste… he finds hiss small assortment of tools and quickly unlatches the door to the bakery. Inside the shop he quickly makes his way to the shelves. He intimately knows the shop like he intimately knows the streets of Ardougne, although he silently doubts if he could find his way through the shop during daylight hours. He finds a small loaf of bread, hardened and stale by the city’s hard, stale air. He takes it, and two similar to it before slipping out of the shop and locking the door back up. He smells the bakery one last time as he walks away, its sweet allure of icings and cakes still clinging to his dingy clothing. He eats the first small loaf of bread as he walks down the street, keeping an eye out for the large black boy, tripping down the street…
Near his humble apartment he hears the shuffling of feet and bit

12-Aug-2013 04:58:02

Hines53
Apr Member 2020

Hines53

Posts: 302Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
biting whispers. He could recognize a mugging like many people in the city could recognize Ardougne’s anthem—he peeked around the corner into his alley and saw to large men holding the tribal boy against the wall at dagger-point, tying him up and flipping his pockets out. The muggers looked rugged and desperate, but as they realized the boy had nothing with him they became even more vicious. Hines stepped into the alley, into full sight of any of the three who would look over at him. They did*’t notice him in their preoccupation, but the tribal boy looked at him with pleading eyes, his mouth gagged.
“Alright, I need you two to start running now,” Hines said loudly, “I don’t want any more trouble from the likes of you!”
The muggers seemed unsurprised by his high-voiced command. He starts silently unsheathing his sword as he draws nearer the robbery.
“Kid, you better run now, because as soon as we’re finished with the tribal here we might just come for you!” one of them says, the weight of alcohol impinging on his speech. “We’re gonna…”
The mugger’s threat ends in a labored grunt as Dante’s knee flies into his crotch. Dante flings himself onto the trashy pavement, and as the second mugger begins to edge towards him, Hines makes his own move.
Dante looks up to see the robber closing in. although he wriggles away as fast as he can, glass and splinters of wood in the alley cut deep into his bound arms, and he feels himself losing his ability to move anymore. As the mugger dives towards him with a steel dagger, Dante closes his eyes, waiting for his stomach to be pierced, or his neck to be ripped into… but the mugger falls on him, and there’s no sting of metal in his side. He slowly opens his eyes to see the wiry, fair skinned boy using the mugger’s shirt to wipe the blood off of his short sword.
Hines looks at Dante, and removes a small knife from his pocket, and cuts the binds from the boy’s wrists. He unties his gag and Dante gasps. Fresh air fills his mouth and he can

12-Aug-2013 04:58:38

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