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Clan vs. Clan Skill Wars

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Marnie
Feb Member 2009

Marnie

Posts: 431Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Here is a little thing I wrote years ago when our clan was heavily into skilling wars. It had such a good reception on our private clan forums, I thought I might share it with you.

The Clan vs. Clan Skill War ~~ Do you have what it takes?

WARNING:
What you are about to read is not for the faint of heart. If your previous Runescaping experience is with pking or high level stake/dueling, you are likely too fragile to continue reading this topic. This is a guide for the brutal Skiller, a player that puts their very life on the line (not some pansy pker). This guide is for the members of Skillers United (play a royalty trumpet sound in your head here).


Zomg! A new war post is up:

So you've read a post about an upcoming clan war and think you might want to try it out. Well before you get ahead of yourself there are important things you need to consider and prepare well in advance.

First, will you be "one of the CHOSEN"? Fortunately Skillers United has both male and female leaders, so you can start using your *** appeal immediately to bribe, coax, etc. your selected leader. If you happen to be a male member, you are in luck as Kyle is bi-****** and enjoys the attention of both males and females.

You will have to prove yourself. This means you must acquire as many little ugly banners as possible to attach to your signature before the clan war takes place.

Prepatory Groundwork:

Okay, so you are among the "CHOSEN". Now you must face some difficult real life decisions. Grab a pen and paper and do some serious thinking. Some things on your list may look like this:

1) Status (if you are single, you can skip this) If you have a partner you can either prepare in advance or skip this and become single. This point tends to work itself out.

15-Jan-2013 18:55:55

Marnie
Feb Member 2009

Marnie

Posts: 431Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
2) Pets (how important are they anyway?) Can they survive 48 hours or more without any attention and not whine, cry, destroy your house, etc? Will you need to make boarding arrangements? Remember not to overlook euthanasia (especially if you plan to war often).

3) Children (go over the points for pets) I will discuss medical procedures that might also apply in a future section. As a veteran mother, I have further planned a 2 day before and 2 day after coma scheme for my loving offspring. This gives me extra rest up time and cool down time after the war. If you consider the one-week holiday coma you may have to look into extra I.V. & Catheter equipment.

4) Employment (either book time off, start faking sick, or give notice). If you give notice, ensure your internet, power and rs membership is paid ahead.

5) Schooling/Studies (Who are you fooling anyway? If you play rs and are a member of Skillers United you are already failing dismally.)

6) Make friends in the medical field. I can't stress this point enough.


Obtaining and Preparing the Medical Stuff:

The human body has an in/out thingy going on. It requires nourishment and then a method to remove the used up left overs. There are five important medical things you must prepare in advance.

1) Make sure you are healthy enough to sit in a chair with next to no movement for more than 48 hours. Now this may sound silly, but believe me it takes extreme muscle control. It is a good idea to get a complete physical before the start of a skill war. MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT MENTION THE REASON FOR THE PHYSICAL! If you let it slip, there is a good chance you will end up in a padded room WITHOUT internet. Make up something about a requirement for a new job (which could very well turn to reality anyway).

15-Jan-2013 18:56:52

Marnie
Feb Member 2009

Marnie

Posts: 431Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
2) Hook yourself up with a good supply of medication. You might want to purchase a little something special for the kids and pets here. The 48-hour coma pill works well. (Remember to put plastic down on the beds before the medicine takes effect for a quick and easy clean up. Fluid leakage can still happen even after the enema which I will discuss next.)

3) The enema. Purchase enough enema kits for yourself and family members/pets that you intend to comatize. If you have been told that you are "full of crap" (as I have been told numerous times) you may wish to purchase the larger-sized economy packages. Read the instructions carefully or you could find yourself in a huge pile of poop. You will want to stop eating all solid foods 12 hours before the war start time and administer the enemas approximately 6 hours before start. Having a friend with a medical background or a kinky *** partner can ease this step.

4) The I.V. ~~ Intravenous only sounds scary. The right mixture of saline’s, vitamins, minerals and stimulants can make or break your war. I have found it best to use the inner thigh area as the vein site, leaving your arms free for optimum gaming movement. Keeping all tubing taped to one leg with medical tape is advisable. This will include the catheter tubing as well (which I will discuss next). Headset, mouse, keyboard cords and medical tubing can interfere with your gaming pleasure if not arranged correctly.

5) The catheter. This is the "out" part of the body nourishment cycle. Without getting into too many details (as I can't afford any lawsuits) have an educated friend/slave help with this. You will need to ensure that the I.V. and "Output" bags are changed quickly and in conjunction with auto log-outs so that you don't lose precious skilling time.

15-Jan-2013 18:57:19

Marnie
Feb Member 2009

Marnie

Posts: 431Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Heckling:

To build a good layer of "healthy competitive spirit" you need to prepare your competitors weeks ahead of the war. Taunting, name calling and insults are the way to go. When attacking males, I have found that insulting the size of the ***** and the ugliness of their girlfriend works rather well. For females attack their body weight and hair styles. Don't stop with the opposing clan members as any long time Skillers United member knows, after the first 24 hours, the war becomes internal as the other clans have already been defeated. Continue the heckling process until the atmosphere holds enough tension that even the passing of gas could result in a bomb-like explosion.


The Skill Environment:

It is wise to select a small but comfortable room without windows. Windows may give the illusion that life exists beyond your computer screen. Good ventilation is necessary to filter the smell of your unshowered and stressed body. Although the apt skiller notices nothing except the screen before him/her. Set up several comfortable computer chairs (on wheels for quick switching) that you can rotate at each auto-log. A happy gamer is one that spoils his/her behind. This is also the time to check that your medical tape is keeping your tubing/cords in order and a chance to blink if required. While standing take the opportunity to raise your arms and shake out your legs (being careful not to disrupt the tape). Strategically placed air fresheners can also be helpful. Do not purchase any "food-scented" fresheners as they may bring on extra salivating and fill your "OUT GOING" bags too quickly. Under no circumstances be tempted to eat solid foods, your drip should be sufficient to keep you hydrated throughout the entire competition.

15-Jan-2013 18:58:05

Marnie
Feb Member 2009

Marnie

Posts: 431Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
A small tip you may wish to consider is changing your ******** immediately before the competition. A shorter ******** will save you time as long as you aren't stupid enough to forget it and type your old one out of habit which defeats the whole ******** changing purpose. Only a true Skill Master can accomplish this. If you happen to be blonde don't attempt this tip at all.

That's as far as I got ... hope you enjoy!

15-Jan-2013 18:58:45

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