Hello, and welcome to an extra-swampy edition of Postbag from the Hedge! This week I’ve been travelling all over Kourend and Kebos, delivering letters to all sorts of colourful characters. Now, while I wring out my galoshes, let’s have a read through their replies…
To Kaht B'alam.
Dear Kaht B’alam,
I trust you will be able to read this letter, since you seem to understand and remember our common tongue.
Nevertheless, since we’ve last spoken in your temple, I was curious, to say the least, about your kind and your history.
While you did share a little bit of the mysterious past that surround your origins, it occurred to me that some of your shamans seemed to possess strange powers and abilities, and since some adventurers such as myself are in a constant quest for knowledge and power, I was wondering if you would be inclined to share this wisdom with some of us? In turn, maybe we could work something to bring our species closer, such as an alliance or a treaty that would benefit both of us?
(To be fair, I believe we should try to end the war between the Shayzien soldiers and your tribe if we have the chance.)
Also, in my travels, I met an individual named Ket’sal K’uk, in the swamp, near the north-western coast, who seemed to be too preoccupied by his own rituals to bother speak to me at all. I was wondering if you had knowledge of his presence, and if you could explain me his doings? (Perhaps I would be able to assist him even, if he was to open up.)
Anyway, I hope that this message will reach you and I thank you in advance for your time and reply.
Sincerely, Etienne II
Greetingsss, Etienne II,
Our shamansss do indeed posssesss abilitiesss sssome would consssider… unnatural. Sssuch powersss are a gift, only given after yearsss of ssstudy. Our knowledge is passsed down to usss by our eldersss, in our own tongue, over many generationsss. To explain it to humansss in a way you could underssstand would be… troublesssome. Perhapsss when our massster returnsss he will be open to negotiationsss.
It isss him that we fight for – hisss landsss, hisss idealsss. Asss long asss hisss ordersss ssstand, there can be no end to thisss war. Asss fruitlesss asss it isss.
K’uk? Yesss, I know him. He desssiresss greater power, much like you. The ritual isss complex, but should he perform it correctly, perhapsss our massster will grant him greater knowledge. If he doesss… you should keep your dissstance.
It’sss good to ssspeak again, friend. Perhapsss our paths will crosss again sssoon. If you come thisss way again, could you bring more of thossse chilli potatoesss? Our ssstocksss have dwindled lately…
Until then,
Kaht B’alam
To the Kourend Council.
How is the council faring with Kourend?
LewisIsFail
Dear LewisIsFail,
Always a pleasure to hear from a constituent – especially one who has done so much for Kourend themselves!
Since we last spoke, things have been going fantastically! We’ve been able to support our citizens on their own adventures, as they set out for the new frontier of the Kebos Lowlands. We’ve created new infrastructure in Hosidius House, and, with the support of Lord Shayzien himself, we’ll soon be able to do the same in Shayzien territory.
And of course, we hear all about your comings-and-goings! Would that we all could gallivant about the place slaying foul beasts and causing trouble, eh? Ah, youth. I suppose you’ve no idea how much paperwork you generate!
Which reminds me, I really must be going – I have a meeting with Lady Lovakengj this afternoon to go over the latest reports from the Blast Mine. I know I can count on your vote in the next election to secure an even better future for Kourend!
Yours sincerely,
Councillor Kubec Unkar
To Rakkar.
Dear Rakkar,
While your mind may have seen better days, I believe there is still something left of you in there. If so, what do you remember of your ill-fated expedition to this former fishing hamlet? How have you survived here for the last few years since the disappearance of the locals and your Fremennik brothers? What do you know of the mysteries lurking at the bottom of that nearby crevasse? What happened to the snakestone you tried to discard? And who or what is the Kayzertief?
With thanks,
GentleTractor
(Thanks for the warning on this one, GentleTractor! Here’s what I was able to get out of him…)
The sun goes down, the moon goes down, the stone goes round and round and down, I know, I know
Five went away and one must stay, keeps the wriggling things at bay, oh oh, folly-oh oh
Beyond the deep he sleeps, he sleeps, the sun must hide where shadows creep, I know, I know, oh oh oh
The earth does shake and he shall wake and each and every one shall take, I know, I know, oh oh oh
(Poor chap – I’m sure he’s glad you’re thinking of him, though!)
To Eodan.
Can you tell the tanner in the middle of Forthos dungeon I hate him and his business model sucks?
Mazrrim
Hello Mazrrim!
Always lovely to get customer feedback. You know, operating such a niche business, as a single father just trying to make ends meet in the world, isn’t easy. With all these Magic-users stealing business from good, honest workers, a nice review can make all the difference! Let’s see what this one says…
Oh.
To the Voice of Yama.
Oh mighty Voice of Yama,
Howdy! I've wandered about Kourend a good bit and found myself in a particularly warm chasm when I stumbled upon your goat-headed self. We chatted for a bit. Personally I thought you were a swell fellow, but you did seem standoffish about your master's intentions. What's the big boy up to? Gathering power, yeah, but like... what for? How so? Right now all he's done is blind a few guys and get thousands of demons slaughtered.
Also, you're a minotaur, correct? The only other minotaurs I've seen are stuck in some weird hole in the ground underneath a bunch of barbarians. Do you ever get any goat-like tendencies? The urge to munch on tin cans, perhaps? A very peculiar sound you like to make, a bleating-crying-screaming sound?
Anyways, have a wonderful day, don't forget the sunscreen and say hello to your grandmother for me.
Mud-Brain
*Snort*
Mud-Brain… how appropriate.
My master’s plans are far beyond what your feeble mortal brain could comprehend. Look upon the ravaged gaze of his disciples and know that this is the fate that awaits you all. You are blind, and blind you shall remain, until it is too late to stand in my master’s way. What further explanation is needed?
Foolish mortal - I may look like a minotaur to your crude and untrained eye, but any creature with half a brain could tell that I am a mighty demon who happens to have a minotaur's head. It's a subtle difference. I expect it is far beyond your reckoning.
To answer your final question: the battle-cry of the minotaur is a majestic sound, yes. A pity that you weaklings rarely ever hear it more than once.
… Meemaw says hello.
The Voice of Yama
To Veos.
Veos, you've been free of body possessions since I helped you... right? No new voices in your head? I was worried about you, dude.
FlamingBunnyChanou
Ah, FlamingBunnyChanou!
I’m very glad to hear from you. To tell the truth, I have been feeling a little under the weather lately. Nothing to worry about though, I’m sure.
Your friend,
Veos
To Mary.
Dear Mrs. Mary,
Why does your house contain an incomplete windmill? It has the turbine outside, part of a grinder inside, as well as pot and sink downstairs, and a wheat field by the nearby guild. I would very much like to be able to make bread in the area.
Thank you,
Nomes
Dear Nomes,
That’s an excellent question! You ought to send it to the council. An adventurer like you might be able to knock some sense into them! Since Gordon and I settled here in Kebos we’ve had no help whatsoever from those layabouts. We’d be better off asking the lizardmen!
You can be sure I’ll be voting in Tomas Lawry when I get the chance. It’s about time we saw some changes around here.
All the best,
Mary
To the Knight of Varlamore.
Dear Knight of Varlamore,
What is Civitas illa Fortis like? And when will it be open to adventurers once more?
SacKingsRS
Hello, SacKingsRS!
Ah, Civitas illa Fortis. The shining jewel in Varlamore’s incandescent crown! Nothing I say could do its beauty justice, but I shall do my best.
Lets see… from the sparkling ocean to the gleaming snow-capped mountains that flank the city borders, Civitas illa Fortis is bathed in glorious sunlight. It’s a truly magnificent sight, my friend. As you sail in, your eye is immediately drawn to the radiant palace of our Queen, flanked by the Kualti headquarters and the Grand Museum. Oh, if you could only see the treasures there for yourself.
I’m sure you will be able to visit soon. Our Queen, the illustrious Zyanyi Arkan, is drawing up treaties and negotiating visits even as we speak. It will not be long before the two nations of Varlamore and Kourend can engage in jolly co-operation once more!
Stay vigilant, friend.
Astra
To Rose.
Dear Rose,
Where is Xeric?
Periwinkleditor
I’m so sorry, Periwinkleditor – I looked all over Kourend and Kebos (and even nearly got carried off by an overfriendly sheepdog!) but I couldn’t find hide nor hair of this ‘Rose’ person. Are you sure she lives here?
Looks like this one’s a return to sender. Don’t get many of those these days!
So, Periwinkleditor… where is Xeric?
That's all from Postie Pete for now! If you have any questions or feedback please let us know what you think via our official forums, on the 2007Scape Reddit, or the community-led OSRS Discord in the #gameupdate channel.
A Kingdom Divided - Coming June 2021
Mods Acorn, Arcane, Archie, Argo, Ash, Ayiza, Banjo, Boko, Bonsai, Brow, Bruno, Curse, Daizong, Deagle, Dibber, Ditto, Dylan, Ed, Elena, Errol, Fed, Flippy, Gecko, Grub, Halo, Husky, Jndr, John C, Kandosii, Katies, Kieren, Kirby, Lenny, Light, Lottie, Mack, Maylea, MikeD, Morty, Nasty, Nin, Oasis, Roq, Ry, Sarnie, Squid, Steve W, Sween, Tide, Vegard, West, Wolfy & Zuko
The Old School Team